Romano’s Macaroni Grill: A Standard Chain Disaster
Rating: 2/10
Pros: Better than Red Lobster; won’t make you throw up on site; you can draw on the table with crayons
Cons: Most dishes are bad, desserts are terrible, restaurant is very noisy… just a few minor drawbacks for a restaurant, you know?
Before I proceed with my review, I’m going to explain and justify each instance of my eating at The Macaroni Grill.
1) I was young and ignorant and still eating more than 0 times a year at McDonald’s.
2) Jennifer and I were really desperate and it was the closest place that wasn’t McDonald’s.
3) Persons from my family of origin gifted me a $50 card to eat there.
If you live in suburban sprawl like I do, you are probably familiar with those stale parts of town that typically pack a Walmart, an Office Max, a Chili’s, and a Red Lobster. Well, while those old holes were farting around in the 90s (special reference to Chili’s), some new competition moved in: Macaroni Grill.
I really like the authentic Italian feel of the place, from the noisy kitchen (if it ain’t noisy, it ain’t Italian, right baby?) to the fake “rustic” pillars to the non-stop Frank Sinatra loop. Oh wait, I don’t. In fact, it irritates me that every Italian restaurant has to be looping the same goddamn annoying music.
But on to the food. On my last visit, I went with my traditional lobster ravioli, which I ordered the last two or three times I went to Macaroni Grill. Why? Because it’s the only thing that was good and dropped me off anywhere in the neighborhood of pleased with my dining experience. Straying off the safe, beaten path at The Macaroni Grill is like straying off the beaten path in Cozumel, Mexico. You’re going to get some kind of mixture of getting gypped, food poisoning, airborne rubella, and a mugging.
The last time I ordered a Penne Whatevera it ended in gastric disturbance and refusal of the to-go box—a typically reasonable choice with foods of wide-ranging qualities. In fact, it is a virtually compulsive choice – I have a to-go threshold as low as 15% of the portion increasing upwards with respect to quality. I’m your everyday Shylock. Come to think of it, a pound of flesh might not have been so bad instead.
We ordered two desserts: the Dessert Ravioli and the Amaretto Apple Crispetti.
The technical term for “Dessert Ravioli” is actually “Ganache,” a word prominently featured in the etymology of “ganharrea.” The dessert was unbelievable. And by unbelievable, I mean, it was unbelievable why we would ever eat at a place like Macaroni Grill.
At first glance of my dessert, the Crispetti, I wasn’t sure whether to put it on or eat it what with all of these organic chopped-by-a-tribesman-with-a-sharp-stone hygiene products that Lush has been putting out. The same went for the Dessert Ravioli, a total mess within 5 seconds of touching it with my fork. In short, both desserts were too sweet, the vanilla ice cream it came with made it even too-sweet-er, and I felt sick after eating them. The price tag is not inconsequential, either, and it’s not just the dollars on the menu you have to worry about. Look at THIS abomination:
I added it to my food log, indeed. Within 2 hours, I had “printed out” said “food log.”
Is it not appropriate that the calories from fat value is 666? Because for a dessert that tastes that bad, these nutritional values are SATANIC.
Maybe it’s good pricing, one might say. But it’s about in the regular range for an Italian restaurant, really. If you want to eat bland pasta, go buy a friggin’ $2 box of pasta, boil some water, and throw some sauce on it. You can do so without the over-priced and over-sodiumed food of MG, and thankfully without the “wholesome Italian environment” that comes pre-stamped at the one of 232 locations in 42 U.S. states, Canada, Mexico, Puerto Rico, Japan, Taiwan and the United Kingdom. You may also require “mad skills” to do this. But come on, it’s PASTA. Boil em, cover em, stick em in a bowl.
Finally, attention MG: you may/may not have heard this before, but YOU CAN NOT GRILL MACARONI. Maybe the name’s meant to be something like the “George Foreman Grill.” Except that name represents something that’s not a restaurant, but actually a GRILL. [Note: I have just been informed that it is possible to grill pasta. It still sounds dumb.]